So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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