got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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