I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
