No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
