I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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