Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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