just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think i peed on brittanys purse
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
