Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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