I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
