Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
