who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
