Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
