census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
