I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
