So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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