My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
