I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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