You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
