Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
