That's when you crack a 10am beer
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Randomize
