i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
