I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
