The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize