i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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