Banned from zoo.
Again?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
