I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
