shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
