I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we're so committed to being not committed
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