The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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