dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Randomize
