is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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