Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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