Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
