her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
