It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
