I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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