I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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