Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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