dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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