Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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