all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
