I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
