she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
