you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
