you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
