i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
