I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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