Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
