im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
