just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she peed on how many people?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
