Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
