look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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