We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I cut my penus on the lid.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
