Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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