is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
