youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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